Archive for August, 2008

"Don't be a dick" is the fundamental but unofficial rule of getting along with our fellow man and also a very important component to getting along with women. Everything else is just a variation on that theme. If being a dick was a crime, we could arrest, prosecute and confine them in dick prisons (there are REAL dicks in prison). But as far as I know, being a dick is not a crime. Even so, the actions of a dick might eventually land them in jail anyway. What really matters is that if we tried to label all dicks as crimimals we would be guilty of being dicks ourselves. 

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After reading Cannery Row (for the 3rd or 4th time) by John Steinbeck I ran across a great paragraph that could serve as a complete definition of a dick. It occurs about half-way through the story where Doc, one of the main characters, speaking to Richard Frost has to say about men. "It has always seemed strange to me the things that we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding, and feeling are the companions to failure in our society. And those traits that we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism, and self-interest, are the traits of success."

After reading that you gotta ask yourself, why do we do it?, perpetuate the dicks of the world. Is it because a dick has to be hard to get a head, ahh, I mean, ahead? Are dicks actually respected by other non-dicks for being a dick? Or is it just one big dick network where dicks stick together, like lawyers & doctors?  Do we really need people who are sharp, greedy, acquisitive, mean, egotistical, selfish and only interested in themselves? If the answer is yes, as the evidence suggests, that's a sad commentary on our society. But as a lot of folks have experienced working for the man, you know, that boss that didn't know his a** from 3rd base, the guy that sucked up to his boss so bad it was sickening, who himself was a moron (son of the owner, maybe). Just who are the guys that get ahead with these kind character flaws? Why, dicks, that's who.

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I will start this category off by announcing the appointment of myself as the very first Dick of the Month. I can do this because I am not only qualified, being actually named Dick, (almost 59 years of being a Dick) but this is my site! Fortunately for my readers this category has the potential to expand way beyond just Dick of the Year, Dick of the Decade, or even the Dick of the Century! No! It can get way more interesting than that. How about those other dick's, the ones we love to hate? Imagine; dick of the Year, dick of the Decade and even, heaven forbid, the dick of the Century! Whew! Who might wear that dubious distinction?

For now I will just say that my life as a Dick has been a pretty good one. If nothing else I grew up with a well-defined sense of humor with an emphasis on the self-deprecating approach. If you can't flog em, join em! Anyway, from the time I was a little kid I was challenged by the innocence of a mom who meant well but just didn't make the connection. She would answer a call to the house asking for Dick, her response being: "do you want big Dick or little Dick?" (thanks mom!). You see, I had the special distinction of being the son of a Dick too.

I don't know if being a Dick had anything to do with my choice of the Marine Corps when it became my turn to serve my country but I wasn't in the Corps very long when I was given the nickname "Skip" and it stuck. Even Marines are careful about using the name Dick, and rightly so.

My wife, before we got married, couldn't bring herself to call me Dick until about 6 months into our relationship, poor girl. She got used to the idea one day when we were waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant. We had put our name in and wandered over to the bar when a waiter came in hollering, "Peter, party of two", no answer was forthcoming and he said it a second time. That's when I piped in "will Dick, party of two qualify"? Everybody in the bar lost it! Hey, give me a break, I was hungry.

So congratulate me, I am officially the first Dick of the Month. I love dogs, kids and am an average joe kind of guy. Just ask my wife! 

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